It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
so much tequila, so little girl.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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