I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
