I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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