i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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