the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
