I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
