I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
