good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Operation Purity has been aborted
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
