You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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