I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
