just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Couch. On fire.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
