hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
