I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
