She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
