When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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