please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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