i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
