did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
