I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
