just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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