It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
