I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
