I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
