elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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