I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
