I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
