I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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