i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
