I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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