You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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