Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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