You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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