you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
