Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So apparently I’m into choking now
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