If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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