A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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