sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
