Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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