You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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