Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
nutella sex= disaster
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize