He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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