He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
