The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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