I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
