i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
