I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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