Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
