fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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