Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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