Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Porn is love you can see.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just forgot I was standing up.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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